


for when you forget how to breathe

by loving_desperation



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, basically everyone loves jinjin but jinjin doesn't know it, because this boy needs to be appreciated more, just tagging everything just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 05:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15679164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loving_desperation/pseuds/loving_desperation
Summary: This time it stung and it stuck with him.--alternatively: jinjin needs more appreciation and love





	for when you forget how to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the themes here might be a bit heavy, even if they are just referenced and not explicitly gone into detail with. Proceed with caution. This may or may not also just be another case of the author dumping all of their shit on an innocent boy as a way to vent. (sorry jinjin i really do love you)

Jinjin _hated_ feeling like this.

It was an on and off thing usually, for which he was grateful. He could utilize that off time and get things done enough to stave away suspicion. But now, it had been a definitively _on_ thing for almost two weeks at this point. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint the precise moment that the switch had flipped, since the feeling had crept up this time instead of pouncing all at once like it usually did. But he was pretty sure it had begun around the time he had done that interview with MJ and Sanha.

Jinjin knew that they were rambunctious together on a normal day. They fed off of each other’s energy, winding up tighter and tighter with childish, excited vitality until they just ended up bursting and usually causing some sort of playful trouble.

And more often than not, Jinjin found himself somehow inescapably stuck in the middle of it all, dizzy from the back and forth exchange. He usually didn’t mind it, sometimes he even found himself joining in on their antics. But recently he was more and more stuck as the target of that energy. It was usually playful insults, stuff that Jinjin could let roll off his shoulders with ease. 

Until it wasn’t. Until it was comments that sunk their teeth into his skin and burrowed into his heart like jagged shards of broken glass. Sometimes it hurt to breathe, sometimes it became too much, and he didn’t know how to get it to stop.

He was their leader, so it should have been easy to give a gentle warning that things were going too far. But it wasn’t. Because every time he looked over to them, all he could see were the bags and bruises of sleepless nights burrowed into the spaces beneath their eyes. He saw the slight slouch to their shoulders, like the weight of the world was resting there. He could trace the sharp edges of their cheekbones where once there had been the slightest of healthy chub that made them look happier and younger. Now they just looked older and wearier.

And he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stop them when they finally seemed relaxed and happy for once in the middle of a hectic schedule.

So he let himself be the punching bag. It wasn’t a new experience, but this time it hurt. This time it didn’t feel so playful.

This time it stung and it stuck with him.

It stuck with him so much that he decided to make a change. He thought about his looks, about how easy it was for him to lose his sharp jawline because he wanted an extra snack or two. So he fixed it by cutting out snacks, along with dinner. He figured that if he was done working for the day when he finally got around to dinner, he didn’t need the energy and could wait until breakfast. He became a little more withdrawn, still interacting with his members, but thinking over everything that left his mouth before it was said.

No matter what it was, the comments continued to sting and he continued to try and make himself better.

So here he was, lying awake at some ungodly hour of the morning three weeks after that interview, without having slept a wink that night. Jinjin’s eyes had been glued to the same spot of the bunk above him for at least an hour now. Before that he had been tossing and turning, trying not to wake Sanha beside him as he did.

His mind was unhelpfully replaying every single moment that had occurred since debut between him and the other members in which he found doubt with himself. Any comment about his height, about his face, about his skills – anything and everything that seemed to be the target of ridicule was now playing like a movie over that dark spot of the bunk above him. Eventually, the restless itch beneath Jinjin’s skin drove him to shove back the covers of the bed and pull his weary, anxious limbs from the comfort of his mattress. He strode quickly yet silently to the door of the bedroom and tugged it open to the darkened hallway. 

Closing the door quietly behind him, not wanting to wake up any of the others while he was this weak and vulnerable, Jinjin shuffled his way into the living room. Sighing heavily, he switched on the lamp by the sofa and collapsed onto the cushions heavily. His laptop was thankfully where he had left it, charging on the table nearby. It would hopefully provide distraction from the thoughts that had been keeping him awake all this time. Snagging the headphones that had been left sitting on top of his computer, Jinjin plugged them in and pulled up some of their old videos, hoping that watching some of their DDOCAs would help lift his mood.

It – in fact – did the exact opposite.

He watched himself struggle playfully to get into the frame throughout a few of the videos, replayed several clips that did not contain his face or voice at all, and eventually broke down over the very video that had started all of this.

Deep down he knew – way deep down – that all of this had been done in jest, as a sort of playful fan service. But the pain clenching in his chest like a vice said otherwise. Jinjin knew that whenever he was off camera he was busy learning choreography or talking to the managers or recording lines; but all he saw was his absence and how little it affected the others. All he could understand from the other members’ comments about cutting out his segments, when they shoved him off screen and giggled the whole time they did it…was that he was not wanted.

Clicking out of the browser window, Jinjin shut his laptop with a snap and set it aside. He wanted to throw it, but he knew that explaining why he needed a replacement would be more trouble than it was worth. So instead, he grabbed a nearby couch pillow and chucked it across the room as hard as he could. Jinjin watched it land with a quiet _fwomph_ before sliding through the doorway into the kitchen. He heaved a shaky sigh and swallowed around the burning lump in his throat. Throwing the pillow had made him feel a little better, but now he just felt shaky and even more emotional now that he had expended some of his adrenaline.

Shoving wearily to his feet, Jinjin shuffled into the kitchen and brought the pillow back to the sofa. He then wandered blearily back into the kitchen and flipped on the light. He went about quietly pouring himself a glass of water and sat with it at the kitchen table. The little digital clock on their oven told Jinjin it was nearing five in the morning. He didn’t know when he had rolled out of bed in the first place, but he had watched a decent amount of their old videos, so he had to have been sitting out here for at least two or three hours.

Dropping his head into his hands with a groan, Jinjin rubbed at his aching temples and tried to shove down the nasty mess of feelings building inside of him. He knew that he loved his members, but after everything that had happened over the past couple of hours in Jinjin’s head, he wasn’t so sure now if his members cared about him in return.

Jinjin gasped on a hitching sob and immediately shoved his knuckles against his lips, muffling the noise as best he could and squeezing his eyes shut.

It didn’t matter if the others didn’t care about him, because Jinjin had resolved to himself a long time ago that he would do whatever he could to make sure they succeeded and were as bright and happy as they could be while doing so. 

He would not waver in that promise, even if it meant he wasn’t happy or didn’t succeed as much as the others did.

Sniffling, Jinjin rubbed at his eyes and shook his head a little. He downed his glass of water as quickly as possible before checking the time again. It was already half past five and Jinjin shrugged off the realization of how long he had been wallowing. He had leader business to take care of.

Walking around to the bedrooms, Jinjin recruited Eunwoo in assisting with the task of dragging the others out of bed. Eunwoo was a light sleeper, usually one of the first ones up, so if Jinjin’s dongsaeng seemed mildly surprised that Jinjin of all people was waking him up first, he didn’t say so.

Eunwoo merely turned groggily to start the arduous task of dragging Moonbin out of bed.

When Jinjin trotted into his own room, he was unsurprised to find Myungjun and Sanha still entirely unconscious. Minhyuk on the other hand was propped up on one elbow and blinking lethargically around the room, his hair messy and sticking in all different directions. His eyes shifted sleepily in Jinjin’s direction and narrowed minutely in drowsy concentration.

“Hyung?” Minhyuk croaked in a voice thick with disuse and sleep. “What time is it? Did we oversleep?”

Jinjin usually got up last within their dorm, so he could understand the dancer’s confusion. He allowed himself a small, fond smile and moved closer to the bunk as he shook his head in reassurance.

“No, I just got up earlier today. We’ve got about forty minutes before our manager gets here with the car. Could you wake hyung for me?”

Minhyuk grunted in acknowledgment as Jinjin perched on the lower bunk, reaching across his messy, cold blankets for Sanha’s bony shoulder. He gave the younger a gentle shake and called his name softly. The youth rolled towards him and swatted lightly at Jinjin’s arm. Catching something about five more minutes being mumbled in his direction, Jinjin huffed a quiet laugh and shook his head.

“Fine, Sanha-ya,” he smiled, pulling his fingers through the teen’s messy curls. “You can have five more minutes.”

Standing, Jinjin found Minhyuk sprawled across Myungjun and whacking half-heartedly at the older man’s shoulder. Apparently this was what constituted Minhyuk “waking” his hyung.

“Come on you two,” Jinjin gave them both light shoves and waited until he had both of them blinking blearily at him before continuing. “It’s time to get up. We have that radio interview this morning before practice.”

Grunting, Minhyuk rolled and tumbled gracefully from the top bunk before stumbling off towards the bathroom. Myungjun rolled much less gracefully from bed and paused once he was on the floor to stretch and yawn.

“Why does the maknae get to sleep in?” Myungjun grumbled after his yawn subsided. Not waiting for an answer, he launched himself into the bottom bunk and landed sprawled over the youth’s stomach. Sanha let out an indignant yelp before immediately tussling playfully with his eldest hyung. Jinjin merely rolled his eyes and trotted out to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine. Eunwoo had thankfully already started brewing a pot while Jinjin was otherwise occupied.

Once he had poured himself his coffee, Jinjin sat at the kitchen table and found himself content to listen to the white noise of his members getting ready. He could hear Moonbin’s voice drifting softly through the walls as he sang in the shower, Eunwoo and Minhyuk were dodging around each other in a playful race to see who could finish making their breakfast fastest. At the end of the hall, Jinjin could hear that Myungjun and Sanha had finally seemed to stop wrestling and were getting ready rather rambunctiously. Warmth settled in Jinjin’s chest as he sipped on his coffee, feeling comfortable here. He shook his head slightly at himself, thinking about his breakdown and lack of sleep over something he shouldn’t have been worried about.

Half an hour later, their manager showed up and herded the members into the van. Despite the early hour, they all seemed to be awake and in good spirits. Jinjin was in the passenger’s seat beside the manager so they could discuss the rest of the day’s schedule. They did so to the obnoxious serenade of some girl group song Jinjin wasn’t focused enough on to recognize from the rest of the group. He would cringe fondly with the manager whenever Minhyuk would purposefully butcher a high note, and it was nice to have such a happy car ride.

Once they pulled up to the radio station, Jinjin hung back for a moment – a few seconds honestly – to thank the manager before the man drove off to park. By the time he climbed out of the car, the other members had already disappeared inside the building. Jinjin was a little hurt that no one had waited back for him, but if he really thought about it, he couldn’t find himself surprised by the action.

Maybe that was where everything really started to go downhill.

* * *

Once they left the station, Astro’s manager drove them to the company building for dance practice. Minhyuk and Moonbin both had to record for about an hour, so the other four were left to their own devices to mess around with the choreography they were learning. Jinjin had been fairly quiet since their interview that morning, and he was beginning to wonder how long it would take one of the others to ask about his unusual silence.

After the others had left him outside, Jinjin hadn’t said a word to anyone during the time it took them to get some light make-up done. No one had asked after him. During the show, he had only spoken when directly asked a question, and even those answers had been spoken carefully. He hadn’t raised his voice or gone on for too long. None of the members or the hosts questioned him about it. The ride back to the building was no different, the other members too absorbed in their own conversations to drag Jinjin in.

So by the time Eunwoo flopped down next to Jinjin on the sofa during a short break, the elder was consumed with a renewed anxiety that he’d just be a bother to his other members if he told them what was going through his head. He could very clearly point out just how happy they all were without his input to the situation. Minhyuk and Moonbin were due back in a few minutes, and Jinjin hoped they would come faster, because he didn’t want to mess up and start talking more than he should with Eunwoo.

“Hey hyung!” Eunwoo chirped, leaning into Jinjin’s shoulder. The elder had to stop himself from flinching away from the contact. “You look kinda tired. Is it because you were up so early today?”

Jinjin nodded silently, eyes fixed on his hands where they were folded together in his lap. Eunwoo was silent for a moment beside him, and Jinjin could feel the weight of his gaze scrutinizing him.

_He’s probably wondering how someone as handsome as him got stuck with someone as plain as you_ , a soft thought pushed into Jinjin’s head. He shut his eyes for a moment, trying not to let the despair and horror show in his expression. He knew that once that stupid voice started up in his head, things were going to get really bad again. He had been down this road a few times before in his past, but had yet to disclose this information to any of the other members.

He found that this time, he really didn’t care as much as he probably should have.

“Hyung,” Eunwoo’s voice was quiet beside him. Jinjin opened his eyes and glanced in acknowledgement to the younger. “Why don’t we go talk to DDOCA? It’s been a while since we’ve done one!”

Jinjin could hear the hopeful excitement in his dongsaeng’s voice. He really wanted to do one, but then Jinjin remembered all the videos he had watched earlier that involved him being shoved off screen or teased, and this time he couldn’t hold back the subtle flinch. He missed the concern that flashed across Eunwoo’s face at the gesture.

“Why don’t you go start it?” Jinjin suggested gently, offering Eunwoo a very tiny smile as he finally made eye contact with the younger. “I have to use the bathroom before the other two get back.”

“Hyung, I can wait—” Eunwoo started to protest, but Jinjin stood and gave him that tiny smile again.

“Just go ahead without me, Eunwoo-ya,” Jinjin waved as he headed for the door. “It’s fine.”

Once he was out the door, Jinjin walked as quickly as he could to the bathroom without full on sprinting there. Nearly collapsing against the sink, Jinjin took a few shuddering breaths and tried to calm himself down. His shaky hands worked the faucet until cold water was rushing into the sink. Cupping his hands under the stream, Jinjin waited until the icy water started to fall over the edges of his fingers before ducking to splash his face. The chill shocked him into sucking in a firm breath, the oxygen going to his head after only taking short, shaky breaths for a few minutes.

Jinjin muffled a short sob behind one hand, turning the sink off and sinking into a crouch.

_Weak_ , the voice whispered. _Nothing even happened. You’re pathetic._

Jinjin didn’t need to be reminded, he told himself bitterly. He already knew that.

Forcing himself to stand up, Jinjin didn’t even spare his reflection a glance as he grabbed some paper towels and pat his face dry. Some of the foundation from earlier came away and Jinjin sighed wearily. He hoped he didn’t look too awful with his now ruined makeup. Deciding to just wipe it all off as best he could, Jinjin ignored the harsh drag of cheap paper towel over his skin as he cleaned away whatever was left of his makeup.

Tossing the paper towel on his way out of the bathroom, Jinjin made his way back to the practice room with determination. He was going to stop being the weak link. He would practice as hard as possible and make himself better for the group.

Walking in, Jinjin found that Minhyuk and Moonbin had returned and were messing around with Eunwoo in front of their DDOCA camera on the other side of the room. Jinjin’s first instinct was to rush over and playfully join in. But then he remembered what he had just promised himself, along with all the times he had been shoved from the frame by the very same people filming now. So he bit his lip and moved towards his bag, taking a big drink of water and tossing his bottle back down when Minhyuk called for them to gather for practice. 

As they got into their places, Myungjun worked on setting up the music, Sanha attempting to help but more just playing around. Minhyuk glanced over at Jinjin, his eyebrows furrowing as he leaned in closer to the elder rapper.

“Hyung?” The dancer murmured, drawing Jinjin’s gaze to him. “Are you okay? You look kinda pale.”

“Ah,” Jinjin forced a reassuring smile onto his face. “I just took my makeup off. That’s probably why.”

Minhyuk hummed but still looked concerned. He didn’t push Jinjin further however, to which Jinjin felt himself sagging with relief when the younger turned away.

_Even when you’re trying not to be, you’re still a burden,_ the voice whispered unhelpfully.

Jinjin told it to shut up. 

* * *

Hours later saw the end of their dance practice, Myungjun and Sanha sprawled out together on the floor, coated in sweat and whining about wanting to eat something unhealthy for dinner. Moonbin was poking at their limbs with a playful smirk on his face, Eunwoo giggling at his shoulder and trying to get him to stop before Myungjun decided to launch himself at Moonbin.

Jinjin was still quietly working through some of the moves from their dance, wondering why he wasn’t satisfied with his appearance and trying to figure out how he could perfect everything. He was also blatantly ignoring the furrowed stare of Minhyuk through the mirror.

“Yah!” Myungjun’s playful shout startled Jinjin into stumbling to a stop. He watched the elder drag himself off the floor and start chasing Moonbin and Eunwoo around the studio. Unable to help it, Jinjin smiled. The action was small and weary, but it was a smile nonetheless. Out of the corner of his eye, Minhyuk’s expression smoothed a little and some of the tension unwound from his limbs. Jinjin really didn’t know why the younger was so bothered with him all of a sudden. Maybe he had done something wrong?

“Hyung!” Sanha’s voice sounded behind Jinjin a mere heartbeat before the youth threw his weight onto Jinjin’s back. Letting out a huff, Jinjin took a stumbling step or two before regaining his balance.

“What is it, Sanha-ya?” Jinjin asked quietly, patting the younger’s arm as he focused on keeping them both upright. He was starting to feel a little dizzy, only then recalling that he hadn’t actually eaten yet today. He had had coffee for breakfast and had missed lunch to meet with their manager and production team about details for the upcoming comeback in a few months. His energy reserves were beyond spent and trying to keep two bodies upright was draining Jinjin even more.

“Can we order take out tonight?” Sanha whined into Jinjin’s ear, his cutesy voice dragging out the syllables.

“Sure,” Jinjin answered wearily, his voice probably betraying just how exhausted he was. “I’m going to stay back for a little while to get some stuff done, but order what you want. We won’t be able to order greasy stuff for a while once promotions start up.”

Before Sanha could protest Jinjin staying behind, he managed to dislodge the younger from his back and shooed him over towards the others. Like an excited puppy, Sanha forgot about everything except the fact that they could get take out. He bounded over to the other members and told them the good news. A cheer went up and Jinjin watched from the corner of his eye as they all gathered their stuff and filed out of the door, not once glancing back to see if he was following.

“You know, you looked fine dancing today hyung,” Minhyuk’s voice startled Jinjin. He hadn’t noticed the younger rapper hadn’t moved from where he had collected his bag.

“You don’t have to stay behind and keep practicing. Come eat with us.”

Jinjin paused long enough to turn and throw Minhyuk the tiny smile that was becoming a regular thing for Jinjin. He waved the younger’s concern off before turning back to the mirror.

“It’s fine, Minhyuk-ah,” Jinjin said, starting to dance again. “Go catch up with the others.”

Minhyuk looked like he wanted to say more, but he sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth instead and slowly left the practice room.

_They don’t really care,_ the voice murmured.

Jinjin ignored it and continued to move his aching feet. 

* * *

He was so tired that even his eyes hurt. Jinjin huffed sleepily and sank down to sit in the middle of the practice room, limbs feeling heavy with an exhaustion that he could no longer push through. Glancing at the clock on the wall, Jinjin groaned quietly. The others had left nearly five hours ago and it was now approaching midnight.

Dragging his aching body up from the floor, Jinjin stumbled over to where he had plugged his phone into the sound system and checked to see if anyone had tried to reach him. Feeling slightly disappointed – a weight settling in his gut – but not surprised, Jinjin found the only notifications on his screen were from the group’s twitter account. None of the members had messaged him asking where he was. Jinjin hoped, as he packed away his things, that they were at least in bed and sleeping. They had to be up early again tomorrow and he really didn’t want them staying up until one or two in the morning.

Eunwoo had a habit of staying up far too late into the early morning studying lines for this, that, or the other variety show. That, or he was up watching anime. Jinjin had, on multiple occasions, forced whatever had Eunwoo’s attention out of his hands and tucked him firmly into bed. Moonbin and Myungjun usually weren’t difficult to corral into bed, both of them preferring to lie down after a long day than to keep running on nothing. Minhyuk would try to stay awake, if only to fuss with his skin care routine. More than once, Jinjin had found the younger rapper sprawled unconscious across his bed or the sofa with a facemask plastered to his skin, clearly having passed out in the middle of his routine.

With Sanha…it depended on the day. Sometimes he was complacent and went to bed when told to. Other days, Jinjin would wake up in the middle of the night for the bathroom and find their youngest still awake and unaware of the hour. He was usually sucked into something when that happened, and was often willingly pulled into bed by Jinjin after being discovered.

Flicking off the studio lights as he stumbled out the door, Jinjin hid a yawn behind his hand and dragged himself out onto the street. He debated walking back to the dorm against hailing a cab, before thinking about the usually elevated nighttime prices. Heaving a sleepy sigh, Jinjin hoisted his bag more firmly onto his shoulder and forced himself to begin the walk home. It really wasn’t that far of a walk, Jinjin just didn’t want to do it. He was running on no sleep and pushing the boundary of being awake for almost two straight days.

_But being awake this long has helped you to improve. You won’t be such a burden to the group anymore._

Jinjin couldn’t find it within himself to disagree this time or to ignore the taunting thoughts creeping steadily further into his mind.

It was only when Jinjin found himself blearily shoving his keys into the lock of the dorm that his stomach decided to loudly remind him that he had still yet to eat anything today. Grumbling, Jinjin shoved the door open – already halfway through toeing off his shoes – and contemplated grabbing a snack before collapsing into bed.

_Maybe if you lost some weight, you could look more handsome like Eunwoo. Maybe then Myungjun and Sanha would stop teasing you about how you aren’t as attractive as him._

Jinjin physically stumbled to a stop, his breath catching in his throat and fingers tightening around the strap of his bag on his shoulder. These were dangerous thoughts, he knew they were. He hated that he knew it, and still wanted to listen to them anyway. Jinjin couldn’t think of a rebuttal, couldn’t find a reason why he should stop himself from going down this road again.

He shouldn’t be listening to these thoughts.

Digging through his bag, turmoil roiling within his chest and mind, Jinjin produced his empty water bottle and trudged into the kitchen to fill it up. Glancing around the counters, and inside the fridge as he pulled out their water pitcher, it became clear to Jinjin that the others had not bothered to order him food after they had returned home.

Clearly that meant he shouldn’t eat tonight.

No, he was being stupid. Of course he needed to eat.

Didn’t he?

Jinjin returned the water pitcher to the fridge with shaking hands and stood in the dimly lit kitchen with his uncapped water bottle in one hand. He chugged the chilled water as quickly as possible before placing the yet again empty bottle on the counter.

He turned from the kitchen and quietly made his way to his bedroom. Jinjin opened the door as silently as possible, shut it slowly and carefully, and then slipped into bed. He barely had the energy to pull the covers over himself, the exhaustion hitting him all at once as soon as his mind was assured that he was home and home meant _safe_. Even if those familiar, horrid thoughts nipped at his heels and poked at his mind, being curled up in bed meant that Jinjin was safe.

Because he could slip away for a few hours of unconscious bliss. 

* * *

Jinjin woke up four hours later, his empty stomach protesting the lack of material to digest by gurgling quietly from under the blankets. Rolling groggily to his side, Jinjin’s heavy eyes found the clock nearby, the red numbers glaring angrily back at him for being awake so early.

5:30 AM

They didn’t have to be up for another hour, but Jinjin’s mind was already clear of his previous drowsiness, the hunger pangs chasing away the dregs of sleep. Heaving a weary sigh, Jinjin decided against memorizing the underside of the bunk above him and instead trudged to the bathroom to grab a quick shower. The prospect of warm water and no one rushing him to finish quickly so everyone would have enough time and enough hot water was tempting to say the least.

But Jinjin didn’t want to cause any problems, so he left the knob tipped more towards cold than hot, and shivered every now and again throughout the process of getting clean.

It was as Jinjin was inspecting his legs to make sure he had washed away all the soapsuds that he caught sight of the pale marks littering his upper thighs beneath the shower spray. Freezing for a heartbeat, two, Jinjin merely stood beneath the chilled spray of water and locked eyes with his past painted on his skin.

He hated those marks. Hated that they showed how weak he had been, how desperately he had wanted to be able to end everything but had never had the strength or commitment to actually make a significant enough mark.

He loved those marks. Jinjin loved the delicate, thin lines of paler skin that kept tally on his thigh. He would sometimes absently trace his fingers over the ones where his skin had puckered as it healed, raising the flesh beneath his fingers.

Jinjin hated the way he loved those marks on bad days, but sometimes he just couldn’t help it. The idea was always a tempting release, despite how hard Jinjin fought the urge and how wrong and destructive he knew it to be.

The sound of a bedroom door opening down the hall nearly sent Jinjin sprawling across the shower. Quickly snapping his attention away from his legs, Jinjin shut off the water and abruptly left the shower stall and yanked his towel off the rack he had hung it on. Drying himself and dressing in record time, Jinjin draped his towel over his shoulders and left the bathroom in a hurry, heading for the kitchen so that whoever was up could use the bathroom.

“Hyung?” A sleepy voice called from down the hall behind him. Turning, Jinjin found a sleepy, ruffled looking Minhyuk squinting blearily at him. Softening his face into a small smile, Jinjin turned towards his dongsaeng but made no move to invade the younger’s space.

“Morning, Minhyuk-ah,” Jinjin whispered for the sake of the others sleeping. “Everything alright?”

It took Minhyuk a moment, but he nodded sleepily and started stumbling towards the bathroom. Jinjin took a step sideways so that the door was more accessible to the younger, but Minhyuk merely turned his steps in Jinjin’s direction until he was in the elder’s space. Jinjin tensed, but didn’t move away. Minhyuk merely wrapped his arms around Jinjin’s waist and dropped his forehead against Jinjin’s shoulder. The younger was still warm from sleep and it was a pleasant feeling against Jinjin’s chilled skin. He wrapped one arm loosely around Minhyuk and simply held the younger lightly.

“Minhyuk-ah?” Jinjin questioned softly.

“I love you, hyung,” Minhyuk mumbled sleepily.

Jinjin went absolutely rigid, but tried to keep his voice steady as he questioned Minhyuk on why he had said this now.

“Did you have a nightmare? Where is this coming from?”

Minhyuk shook his head against Jinjin’s shoulder and tucked himself closer to Jinjin’s body, arms tightening around the elder’s waist.

“You just seemed really tired and out of it yesterday, hyung,” Minhyuk mumbled into Jinjin’s shirt. “So I wanted to make sure you knew.”

“I’m fine, Minhyuk-ah,” Jinjin reassured the younger in a quiet voice, patting the younger’s shoulder with the hand wrapped around him. “But thank you for worrying.”

Managing to carefully slip free of the younger’s embrace, Jinjin worked his way into the kitchen to start brewing coffee while trying not to burst into tears. He didn’t know why Minhyuk’s sentiment had left him feeling worse, but Jinjin felt as if a gaping hole had expanded in his chest suddenly. It was sucking in every part of him and leaving him feeling empty and listless. The sound of the shower turning on a few moments later mixed with the stuttering of the coffee maker finishing up drew Jinjin out of his daze enough that he could manage to pour himself a cup of caffeine. He shakily slid into a seat at their table and cradled the scalding mug between his hands. 

“Hyung?” Moonbin’s voice snapped Jinjin to attention, the elder looking up quickly and feeling something twinge slightly in his neck at the movement. The younger was looking at Jinjin with an emotion on his face that the older couldn’t quite understand; his hair messy and fluffy from sleep and his glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. He looked enviously good for someone who had just woken up.

“What?” Jinjin scrambled to remember if Moonbin had said something before calling for him. “I’m sorry, did you say something? I was a little zoned out. I guess I’m not awake yet.” 

The lie fell easily from Jinjin’s lips, accompanied by a fake, sheepish smile that he directed to the floor, one hand lifting from his now warm instead of scalding mug to rub at his neck. The smile was fake, the excuse was fake, but no one needed to know that. Jinjin wondered how long he had been out of it to not even notice Moonbin entering the kitchen and starting to prepare his breakfast.

“I asked if you were okay, hyung,” Moonbin said slowly, hesitation clear in his voice and his posture. In one hand, the younger held a spoon, a bead of coffee hanging on precariously as it was held above the floor. Moonbin’s coffee mug, partially filled with coffee and partially filled with cream, sat nearby on the counter behind Moonbin.

“Yeah,” Jinjin managed to get out, the word feeling like it was grating his throat on its way out. “Like I said, just not awake yet.”

Moonbin nodded, looking anything but convinced. Regardless, the younger turned back to his coffee mug and continued stirring it, his spooning clicking gently against the insides of the mug every now and then. Jinjin managed to focus enough that he could take a few sips of his own coffee, still black and as bitter as ever without cream or sugar. Part of him wanted to get up and add something to the dark liquid, but he could barely find the energy to lift the mug to his lips at this point.

Eventually, he just sighed to himself and picked himself up out of the kitchen chair to dump almost a full mug down the drain in the sink. He missed Moonbin’s blatantly worried look as Jinjin dragged himself down the hall to change into something they could go practice in. He knew that their manager would be at the dorm soon to pick them up, and Jinjin didn’t want to be the reason they were waiting around to leave. It had happened a few times before – various members being the cause of it – but Jinjin didn’t want it to be because of him.

Pushing open the bedroom door, Jinjin looked up to find Myungjun still in bed. His only hyung was awake, however, merely sprawled across the upper bunk and scrolling idly through his phone. He looked up when Jinjin entered, his eyes widening before Myungjun was rolling to sit up and slip down to the floor. Rushing over to the dazed Jinjin, Myungjun was suddenly pulling Jinjin into the room a little more and quietly shutting the door behind him. Confused, Jinjin turned to frown sleepily at his hyung.

“What—?” Jinjin started to ask, only to be cut off by Myungjun.

“Jinwoo-ya, are you okay?” Myungjun’s voice radiated concern, the telltale furrow between his eyebrows prominent enough that it drew Jinjin’s attention. His hyung’s hands were gentle and warm at Jinjin’s elbows, feeling like it might be the only thing holding Jinjin together at the moment with how careful his touch was.

It was then that Jinjin realized that Myungjun was concerned about him – genuinely concerned. He had closed the door and kept his voice low, knowing that Jinjin was very aware of the fact that he was the leader and needed to be emotionally stable for everyone else. But they were _young_ and it was hard to be mature about everything. Myungjun, as the oldest, understood that the best and was always there for Jinjin if he needed to shrug off the burden of leader for a few minutes, or even for the night, and just be Park Jinwoo.

He understood this, he really did.

But that voice in his head was whispering with such fierce intensity that he was a burden, that Myungjun shouldn’t have to deal with his whining and weaknesses, that even though Jinjin was trying his hardest to not be a burden to anyone he was failing miserably at doing so. 

And suddenly Jinjin wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and vanish into nothing. He wanted to shrug off Myungjun’s hands and put some distance between them and reassure his hyung he was fine. He wanted to reassure him that Jinjin was stronger than this. He wanted everything to just _stop_ for even just five minutes so he could breathe a little; so he could go upstairs to the rooftop and just scream and cry into the open air without anyone around to hear before he had to come back down here and pretend that he was put together.

But he _couldn’t_.

Instead, Jinjin scraped together the remaining dregs of his energy and pushed his shoulders back from their slumped position. Flashing his hyung that same, tired, tiny smile, Jinjin shook his head and reached up to give Myungjun’s shoulder a very gentle pat. Myungjun didn’t look convinced by any of this, but Jinjin ignored that and ploughed on ahead.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jinjin managed. “Sorry if I worried you, I’m just not all that awake yet.” 

Brows furrowing, Myungjun kept his hands where they were at Jinjin’s elbows. He seemed to be studying the younger’s face, one hand finally coming up to rest lightly against Jinjin’s forehead. Chuckling softly, Jinjin carefully pulled himself out of Myungjun’s hold and shook his head.

“I’m not running a fever, hyung, I promise. Just give me a few more minutes to wake up and I’ll be fine.”

“Jinjin, you look like shit,” Myungjun stated bluntly.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jinjin shot back bitterly, unable to keep the hurt from his tone. In his peripheral, Jinjin could see Myungjun wince, but he made no move to apologize.

“Jinjin-ah, I didn’t—” Myungjun started to say, only to be cut off.

“It’s fine, hyung,” Jinjin managed in a calmer tone than before, feeling drained by this simple interaction. “I know I look awful. There’s a reason I’m not a visual in this group, after all.”

Jinjin regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth. He said too much, he revealed too much. Myungjun was going to tell the others just how pathetic Jinjin was and they were all going to be able to see right through him.

And Jinjin couldn’t take it. He gathered up his bag within seconds and paused long enough to toss over his shoulder, “I’ll meet you guys at the studio, hyung,” before he was down the hall and out of the dorm.

Speed walking through the streets, Jinjin beat himself up over reacting so dramatically. He was supposed to be put together, a silent presence that the others could rely on even if they didn’t want him around. Now he had gone and blown up at Myungjun and abandoned his team like a child. They were going to hate him even more than they already did, and Jinjin wouldn’t be able to blame anyone other than himself.

Yanking a facemask out from a pocket in his bag, Jinjin tugged it on, covering over his nose and mouth as he walked. Ignoring the grey spots that were beginning to dance at the edges of his vision, Jinjin kept going, block after block until the company building was finally in sight. He didn’t want to go in, because going in meant working and being around the others who hated him, but he couldn’t be anymore selfish today than he already had been.

So he dragged his weary limbs on heavy footsteps into the company building and made his way to his tiny studio. Jinjin thought that he would be able to kill some time in there until the rest of the group showed up. If anything, it would give him some much needed privacy, even if only for a handful of minutes. Since it was a decent walk from the dorm to the building, Jinjin knew that much of the time he could have had to himself was spent getting here, so the others would be here sooner rather than later.

“Oh, Jinwoo-ssi,” a voice called from down the hall. Forcing himself to stop, Jinjin turned to look over his shoulder and found one of their production managers coming towards him with a small stack of papers in hand. Fighting the urge to break down in tears at the potential of more work, Jinjin tugged his tiny smile onto his lips and turned to face the man respectfully.

“Good morning,” Jinjin offered politely, quietly. The production manager, however, seemed content with skipping over pleasantries and got right to business, holding out the papers for Jinjin to take.

“These are the revisions the managers decided to make to the lyrics and arrangements for the upcoming album. See that it gets done before the end of the week, okay? It’s nothing too major, but your rap lyrics might need to be rewritten in certain parts since the other managers seem to feel it doesn’t entirely fit the theme of the comeback.”

With shaking hands, his heartbeat in his ears, Jinjin nodded mutely and took the papers. The manager reached out to pat Jinjin’s shoulder once before walking off, leaving Jinjin trembling and miserable.

_The lyrics weren’t good enough._ You _weren’t good enough. Maybe you should have just quit while you were ahead._

_If you quit now, you’ll just look pathetic._

_You’re a failure._

Shoving the papers messily into his bag, Jinjin bit back the oncoming threat of tears and rushed into his private studio. Shutting the door firmly behind him, Jinjin pressed his back to it and slid down to the floor, muffling his sobs into his knees. He couldn’t help but cry when it sounded like the only thing wrong with their group’s new project was him.

_Worthless, waste of time. You’ll never be as good as the others._

_It’s a wonder they haven’t asked you to leave yet. You were selfish and had to take the position of leader so they wouldn’t have the authority to get rid of you._

_Just do the rest of them a favor and get lost._

“Shut up, shut UP!” Jinjin sobbed, curling his fingers into fists and banging them against the sides of his head. He wanted that stupid voice to go away, he wanted the pain in his chest to stop aching so fiercely that it hurt to breathe. Most of all, he wished that he could disappear.

But he couldn’t have any of that, not when he had to lead the others and make sure that he didn’t hold them down. Jinjin knew they didn’t want him around anymore, or if they ever did. He knew because they left him behind, because they never called him to join their shenanigans, because they always tried to erase his presence from their videos. He knew, but until there was someone to replace him, someone who could take the group to heights he couldn’t, he had to stay.

Deciding to talk to their manager after dance practice about finding a replacement, Jinjin managed to wrestle his breathing back under control and wipe away the tear tracks from his cheeks.

“It’s for the best,” Jinjin whispered to himself as he stood on wobbly legs and took a few more steadying breaths. “It’s for them.”

He left the studio. 

* * *

As soon as Jinjin stepped into the practice room, he felt the weight of everyone’s eyes on him. Staring fixatedly at his feet as he dropped his bag by the door and bent to mess with it, Jinjin hoped that no one would approach him about his absence from the dorm earlier. He assumed the worst, that Myungjun had told the others about his outburst and now they all hated him for being so weak and pathetic.

Organizing the papers the manager had given him and trying to smooth out the creases he had caused, Jinjin startled slightly when an arm landed across his shoulders warmly. Looking up in surprise, Jinjin felt his stomach drop to his feet when he came face to face with Sanha smiling brightly at him. He didn’t deserve to be smiled at like this. Jinjin was terrified that he would corrupt or taint Sanha’s pure, innocent happiness with how fucked up he was. But he couldn’t bring himself to push their youngest away, afraid of hurting him if he did.

“Hyung!” Sanha sang in a sweet voice, the word cracking slightly at the end. Their maknae’s voice was still changing slightly, despite how much the kid had grown up already.

“Where were you this morning?” Sanha pouted. “MJ-hyung said you left early to get stuff done, but I missed my morning hug!” 

Jinjin felt a hint of relief sweep through him at the knowledge that Myungjun hadn’t told the others what he had said. Or maybe he had, and Sanha was just lying to him so he wouldn’t have to deal with Jinjin’s pathetic self. But Jinjin also knew that Sanha was too honest and straightforward for that to be the case.

Holding up the papers, glad for an excuse, Jinjin gave them a slight wave and spoke quietly. “The production manager wanted to give me these. We have to make some minor changes before we start recording.”

“Again?” Sanha pouted, removing his arm from Jinjin’s shoulders so he could plop down more comfortably beside the elder. “But we’ve already changed the lyrics like…five times!” 

Jinjin couldn’t help the smile – a little more genuine than the one he had been faking for the past two days – at Sanha’s whining. He knew that their youngest would work hard despite his complaining. But he was still adorable when he whined like the child he was.

“Don’t worry,” Jinjin reassured him quietly, careful not to raise his voice. “It’s mostly my lines they want changed. They weren’t good.”

Sanha frowned at that, and Jinjin tried not to viscerally react. He knew that the rest of them already thought that, so he didn’t know why he bothered reaffirming it out loud. Quickly ducking his head and putting more focus than necessary into reorganizing the papers, Jinjin hoped that the conversation was over so he wouldn’t say anything else out of line.

“That’s a load of bull, hyung,” Sanha grumbled after a moment of silence. “Everything you write is really cool. They’re just being mean and picky.”

Jinjin’s fingers froze where he was attempting to tug the zipper of his bag shut, gaze lifting hesitantly to the maknae. Sanha was staring mulishly at the floor, like he was personally offended by the fact that the managers didn’t like Jinjin’s lyrics. He didn’t understand why the youngest would look that way so honestly. It wasn’t like it affected him. 

Before he could spiral any further, their choreographer walked into the studio and called for them to get up so they could start practice. Sanha immediately lost his frown and bounced to his feet, dashing over to Eunwoo and throwing himself over the elder’s shoulders. Eunwoo started complaining loudly about how heavy their maknae had gotten while also wrapping his arms securely around Sanha’s legs so he wouldn’t fall off. Watching the exchange caused a fondness to settle in Jinjin’s chest, because they hadn’t all been this comfortable with each other at first, so it warmed his heart that they could now rely on each other.

Of course, that excluded him because he was a pathetic mess, but regardless, he was happy for the others.

“Hyung,” Minhyuk’s quiet call from next to where Jinjin was still crouched drew the elder’s gaze to his dongsaeng. The younger was holding his hand out, an offer to help Jinjin to his feet so they could go practice. It was an offer that Jinjin very hesitantly accepted, not wanting to taint his members even with his touch, but not wanting to appear rude by refusing. Minhyuk’s eyes were twin pools of concern as Jinjin released his hand the moment he had his balance. The room was spinning a little, but Jinjin thought nothing of it. 

“Hyung—” Minhyuk started, only to be cut off by the choreographer calling again for them to get into formation. Jinjin hadn’t had a chance to warm up like the others had, but he didn’t care. It was his own fault so he would just have to reap the consequences. Leaving Minhyuk to join the others, the younger followed reluctantly. Jinjin felt Myungjun’s hand gently squeeze his elbow as he slipped into his place and offered the older as much of a small, reassuring smile as he could before focusing on the dance.

It was only after they had run through their new choreography – the jumps and turns and constant movement beyond taxing to the body – almost half a dozen times, that Jinjin started to feel woozy. Apparently his lack of sleep and food was starting to catch up to him, but he didn’t want it to hinder their work. He couldn’t be the reason they fell behind.

Their choreographer called for a break, and Jinjin looked around blearily, his head feeling simultaneously light and completely stuffed with cotton. The others moved towards their bags in search of water bottles, but Jinjin stumbled over to their manager who had been sitting in the corner watching instead. The man looked up from his phone at Jinjin’s approach, the skin around his eyes tightening visibly as he took in Jinjin’s state. He stood to meet the idol and placed a firm hand on the leader’s shoulder.

“Jinwoo-ya? Is everything okay?” the manager asked, keeping his voice low for Jinjin’s sake.

“Hyung,” Jinjin managed in a strained voice, giving a tiny shake of his head. The man seemed to understand that Jinjin needed to talk, so he wrapped an arm around Jinjin’s shoulders and led him from the practice room into the quiet hallway. Once the door was shut, he turned to Jinjin and raised an eyebrow, prompting the idol to speak.

“Hyung, I…” Jinjin had to stop to take a breath, the world spinning violently as little grey dots danced across his vision. “I think that-that we should find a replacement. For me.”

Jinjin’s thoughts were beyond disjointed, his mind everywhere and nowhere as he struggled to convey his wishes to their manager. The man in front of Jinjin simply stood there, eyes wide and confused. He leaned forward and placed his hands firmly on Jinjin’s shoulders, getting the dazed idol to focus on him.

“What are you saying? Promotions are going to be starting in a few months and we still have to record and finish learning the dance. Is this because of the corrections to the arrangement and the lyrics?” The man paused and he glanced around the still empty hall, as something seemed to darken his look. “Did someone say something to you? Did someone hurt you?”

Jinjin managed to not completely break down in tears as he nodded, watching as the manager’s face seemed to go pale in front of him. The man’s hands tightened their grip on Jinjin’s shoulders and he gave Jinjin a very small shake to keep the idol present.

“Hey,” his voice was soft as he spoke to Jinjin. “You’re going to be okay. Tell me what’s been going on.”

“I-It won’t leave me a-alone, hyung,” Jinjin hiccuped in an unsteady voice. His manager’s expression morphed with confusion. “The voice…in my head! I know it makes me sound crazy, but it’s hurting me. It keeps telling me I’m n-not good enough, and I’m _not_! I know I’m not.”

Jinjin was crying, voice trembling over every other word as he watched the manager’s eyes slowly widen. Shaking his head, only making the grey spots worse, Jinjin couldn’t get his emotions under control anymore. A gut-wrenching sob tore from his lips and he reached up to weakly grasp at his manager’s wrists where the man’s hands were still holding Jinjin’s shoulders.

“I’m n-not good enough! Y-You need to replace m-me before it’s t-too late.”

“Jinwoo-ya,” their manager breathed, seeming unable to put enough words together to reassure Jinjin. He was shocked, clearly; but Jinjin understood it as the man agreeing with him, and he could only cry harder. Jinjin had known that he wasn’t worth anything to the group, but what he thought was a reaffirmation of his darkest thoughts hurt more than he had ever thought it could. The harder he cried, the shorter his breaths became, turning into strangled gasps that were only bringing in the tiniest wisps of air that were no where near enough. The manager looked panicked as he realized Jinjin was struggling to breathe. 

“Shit!” he cursed, guiding Jinjin to the floor right before the idol’s knees gave out on him. “Jinjin! Jinjin, breathe!”

Distantly, through the sudden ringing in his ears and the voice whispering harsh nonsense to him, Jinjin heard the practice room door bang open. There was muffled shouting, several different voices building together in a stifled cacophony that enveloped Jinjin. His vision was so crowded with muted monochrome spots that he could barely make out the faces in front of him. They were blurry and nearly colorless, but so achingly familiar that Jinjin couldn’t help it when his body went lax with exhaustion and fell trustingly sideways into someone’s sturdy arms.

“…ung!” a voice – so, _so_ achingly familiar – broke just barely through the haze of overstimulation and settled Jinjin’s pulse only barely. His fingers were beyond numb, but Jinjin’s forearm was still strangely aware that it was attached to his body. So he felt himself reach for whomever he was currently leant against, numb fingers just barely managing to curly laxly into the sweaty fabric of a practice shirt before Jinjin sunk heavily into the welcome darkness of unconsciousness.

* * *

When the first thing one becomes aware of upon waking is a headache, it’s not exactly the greatest motivation for wanting to keep waking up. But there was also this ridiculously annoying and repetitive beeping sound that wouldn’t let Jinjin sink back into sleep. If that was Minhyuk’s alarm again, Jinjin was going to personally throw out every single clock they owned in the dorm. Attempting to roll sideways so he could find the source of the beeping, Jinjin could only let out a scratchy groan – the noise cut off halfway due to his dry throat – when his body felt so heavy it barely moved.

“Jinjinnie?” someone whispered off to his left. Prompted by the call of his name, Jinjin let his head loll towards the voice and barely managed to crack one eye open. His eyes felt just as dry as his throat, apparently.

“Hyung?” Jinjin croaked, his lagging mind placing Myungjun’s worried, bloodshot eyes and relieved expression after a heartbeat. The elder’s hair was a mess, locks sticking in all different directions, clearly the work of frantic fingers and repetitive stressful ministrations over a decent period of time. Guilt pooled in Jinjin’s hollow gut and he couldn’t help but look away, a mumbled apology already leaving his lips.

“Stop that,” Myungjun’s voice was quiet, but there was harshness to the strain clearly caused from crying. “Don’t you dare apologize right now; not until you’re more awake and we’ve actually talked about this. Right now, you have nothing to apologize for.”

“Hyung,” Jinjin tried to protest, but Myungjun held up a firm hand and shook his head, already halfway out of his seat beside Jinjin’s bed. It hadn’t really settled in yet that he was in a hospital, but Jinjin recognized the sterile walls around him even if his mind was still playing catch up. 

“I said don’t apologize,” Myungjun kept speaking in that hushed tone, which Jinjin’s aching head was grateful for. “I know you’re probably trying to apologize for the wrong thing, so we’re going to save this conversation for when you’re feeling better. But we are going to talk about all of this. I’m going to get the nurse, I’ll be right back.”

Jinjin didn’t have a chance to reply before Myungjun was sticking his head out of the door nearby and calling softly down the hall to someone. Jinjin could very distantly hear a small commotion that was quickly quieted, followed by Myungjun coming fully back into the room and reclaiming his place beside Jinjin. The elder reached out with both hands and cupped Jinjin’s left hand between his own.

“I’m just glad you’re awake right now,” Myungjun seemed to murmur more to the bed sheets than to Jinjin right before the door opened to admit more people. A nurse bustled in and immediately began checking over the machines set up next to Jinjin’s bed, jotting notes down on a clipboard held firmly in one hand. Right on her heels followed the rest of Jinjin’s members, their eyes all in similar states to Myungjun’s and their hair in varying conditions of disarray. Jinjin noted offhandedly to himself that they were wearing different clothes than he last remembered them in – even if the memory was fuzzy.

If that meant that he had been out long enough for them to go back to the dorm while he was settled into a hospital, than Jinjin figured he had disrupted the flow of their schedule rather dramatically. Cursing to himself silently, Jinjin shut his eyes and sighed heavily through his nose.

“Are you in any pain?” the nurse’s voice filtered into Jinjin’s awareness, her question likely prompted from his sigh. He managed to tell her that he had a slight headache, but other than that he felt fine.

“That sounds about normal,” she answered kindly, giving him a reassuring smile. “From your blood work, it seems that you were pretty dehydrated. We’ve had you on an IV so far, but it might take a little more before your headache fully goes away. That IV has been restoring your nutrient levels too, since most of them were fairly low, but once you’re feeling up to it, we recommend you try eating some solid food.

“Your manager is currently speaking with your assigned physician, so I’ll go update them on everything. If you need anything, press this button here.” Indicating the button to both Jinjin and his members, the nurse gave Jinjin one last kind smile before she left the room.

Things were quiet – aside from the beeping of what Jinjin could now guess was his heart monitor – until Sanha promptly burst into tears and moved to wrap Jinjin in a clinging hug. Their youngest tucked his unruly head of hair just below Jinjin’s jawline, his tears dripping off his cheeks onto Jinjin’s skin as Sanha burrowed into the concave junction of where his neck met his shoulder. Reaching up with his right hand, Jinjin hesitantly tangled his fingers into Sanha’s hair. He wasn’t really sure why they all looked like they cared so much or why they were reacting this way, but it was in Jinjin’s instincts to comfort upset dongsaengs.

“Hyung,” Eunwoo’s soft, strained voice drew Jinjin’s attention away from Sanha, his eyes beginning to feel a little less dry the more he looked around and blinked them back to normalcy. Eunwoo – still looking unfairly handsome despite his slightly disheveled state – took a step forward and reached out to gently grip Jinjin’s ankle beneath the bed sheet.

“What happened?” Eunwoo’s question dropped heavily in the hospital room, Sanha’s sobs quieting some, as the members seemed to wait with baited breath.

Jinjin himself didn’t know how to answer Eunwoo’s question, his brain short-circuiting. Why were they asking? Why did they all seem so upset and concerned about this? Shouldn’t they be glad that this was probably how they would finally be rid of him? They would finally be able to move forward so much more than if he were to stay with them. So why—

The sound of skin meeting skin seemed to echo in the otherwise silent room.

Jinjin blinked once. Twice.

Sanha was no longer clinging to him, crying on him. Moonbin was holding him a few steps back from the bed. Minhyuk was clinging to Eunwoo’s arm where he was still holding Jinjin’s ankle. Myungjun was standing on the other side, hand poised as if to follow through on a back handed strike, his face streaked with tears and looking furious.

_Myungjun had slapped him_.

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about? Why would we _ever_ want to get rid of you? Who even said anything about you leaving in the first place?”

It was as Jinjin watched Myungjun’s expression grow dark at the same time his face paled that Jinjin realized he had been asking those questions out loud. Myungjun had hit him in an attempt to ground him in reality. It had worked, but Jinjin couldn’t help shrinking slightly away from Myungjun.

“Jinjin-ah,” Myungjun’s voice was more serious than Jinjin had ever heard it, the eldest looking him right in the eye. “Has someone in the company been abusing you? Have they been making you think this way about yourself?”

Sanha’s gasp sounded more like a sob as Moonbin moved to wrap him in an even firmer hug. Minhyuk looked like he was about to throw up as Eunwoo quickly released Jinjin’s ankle to cover his mouth in horror.

“N-No,” Jinjin managed to rasp.

“No, hyung,” firmer this time. “No one has been abusing me. I just…it was all me.”

“What are you talking about?” Myungjun moved forward and perched on the edge of Jinjin’s bed, not reaching for his hand again, but looking like he desperately wanted to. Jinjin was partially glad he didn’t. He was a little scared Myungjun would hit him again, but more than that, Jinjin didn’t want to taint the elder with his touch.

“I’m a mess, hyung,” Jinjin whispered, staring at the sheets draped over his lap. “I can’t get out of my own head, and this damn voice – these intrusive thoughts – just make things _worse_ and I want it to stop but I don’t know how and—” 

“Breathe, Jinjinnie,” Myungjun murmured, finally placing a steadying hand on Jinjin’s shoulder. “I think I understand what you’re trying to say. None of this is your fault, understand?”

“Hyung?” Minhyuk’s call was timid and soft and nothing like the Minhyuk that Jinjin knew. But he looked over at his dongsaeng anyway, the hyung in him responding before he was aware of it.

“Do you really think that we don’t want you around? That we would try to get rid of you?”

Jinjin wanted so badly to put those fears in Minhyuk’s eyes to rest, to tell his dongsaeng that no, he didn’t really believe that. But there was a part of Jinjin – deeply embedded in the darkest part of his mind – that argued the contrary. So he found himself unable to respond with words, merely lowering his gaze to his lap and giving a very unconvincing shrug of his shoulders.

No one bothered holding Sanha and Minhyuk back as they loaded themselves onto Jinjin’s hospital bed and cried as they hugged him. Peering over the tops of his two dongsaengs’ heads, Jinjin could see Eunwoo tucking himself into Moonbin’s side as Myungjun ran a hand down his face and looked for all the world, burdened beyond belief. Guilt was now clawing ferociously at Jinjin’s insides as he tried to comfort Minhyuk and Sanha without touching them too much.

“Is this our fault, hyung?” Eunwoo’s voice managed to reach Jinjin over the crying in his ears.

“It’s…everything,” Jinjin found himself responding, honest for once. He was still just so _tired_ from the culmination of events that he wasn’t thinking about lying or sugarcoating.

“It’s my own head, it’s feeling left behind, it’s not being good enough at anything I do, it’s the little things and the big things, and I’m just…I’m so _tired_.”

Myungjun moved to sit near Jinjin’s feet, having vacated the bed when Minhyuk and Sanha had thrown themselves on Jinjin. The eldest was still looking so serious and it was nerve wracking to say the least. He was usually pretty carefree about things, preferring to calmly approach situations so that no one felt pressured. This side of his only hyung was one that Jinjin rarely ever saw.

“So talk to us,” Myungjun’s gentle prompting drew Jinjin’s focus back to the moment. “Tell us what’s been bothering you, and in the future, tell us when things are too much. We never want to end up here again, clueless and scared. Yes, you’re our leader, you take the brunt of the burden. But we’re a _team_ Jinjin-ah, so we have to start working together. And maybe we haven’t been pulling enough weight to keep you from being crushed under it all, and that’s our fault.”

“No!” Jinjin was quick to raise his voice, startling everyone for a moment. Shrinking back a little, Jinjin felt his cheeks warming up a little before he spoke in a more controlled tone.

“This isn’t your fault. I mean…it might seem that way because I ended up making things you all did into big deals in my head, but it’s just…it’s just me that’s wrong. I don’t – I mean – I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be leader, or in the group at all.”

“Stop that,” Moonbin spoke up for the first time, his voice firm and encompassing in the small hospital room.

“Hyung, just stop saying that kind of stuff. I know you can’t understand how stupid it sounds right now –” Eunwoo whacked Moonbin’s arm, looking a little frantic that his words might set Jinjin off again. “But we wouldn’t be anything without you. If we had never had you with us, we wouldn’t be where we are now. If you were to leave us now, we would fall apart.”

“You don’t know that,” Jinjin protested weakly.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Moonbin shrugged, voice still calm and steady, despite his eyes looking wet with tears behind his glasses. “But I don’t really want to find out either. I would rather just have you stay with us if you’re up for it. We won’t force you to stay, hyung. But don’t think that we don’t need you.”

“I wouldn’t have as much fun rapping if you weren’t there with me, hyung,” Minhyuk spoke up from where he had pressed his face into Jinjin’s shoulder. “You’ve taught me so much, and I wouldn’t be able to keep going the way I am now without you.”

Sanha didn’t say anything, but the way he clung onto Jinjin’s shoulders even tighter seemed to say everything. He had relied on Jinjin and Myungjun a lot when he had first started training, so to lose one of them now would almost feel like losing a family member.

“You don’t have to tell us everything going on inside your head,” Myungjun spoke again, hand settling on Jinjin’s ankle. “But at least tell us when we might be able to help you. I’m sure manager-nim is looking into whatever he can get his hands on to make this easier for you. If you want to talk to someone about this, we’ll support you. If you need a break, we can always push our comeback a little. Just don’t give up.”

Jinjin couldn’t help the tears that started streaking down his cheeks, the walls he had built to keep his emotions in check crumbling beneath the weight of his members’ words. It wasn’t enough to heal him – it was nowhere near enough – but it was a starting point. And that was all he needed at the moment.

* * *

It took almost five hours for their manager to get everything settled at the hospital after Jinjin woke up. Thankfully, Jinjin had only been unconscious overnight as opposed to the multiple days Jinjin had initially feared. So another few hours was a small price to pay for getting things in order.

Their manager had been beyond relieved to see Jinjin awake, talking to the idol properly about what had happened and giving Jinjin the chance to explain everything. A psychiatrist was called to the room and gave Jinjin an evaluation once Jinjin had eaten something. They had been worried at first about Jinjin’s weight loss, thinking that it might be indication of a disorder, but once Jinjin explained that it was mostly a result of the anxiety and forgetting, they decided it would be best to just keep an eye on his diet for the time being. They had also asked him about his scars, taking courtesy to ask that question when no one else was in the room. When Jinjin told them it had been almost two years since he had given in to that specific urge, they told him that his assigned psychiatrist would be following up on that, just to be safe. Jinjin figured that was better than the alternative. He was just lucky they weren’t telling his members or the company. But he had been warned that if his psychiatrist suspected anything, they would be obligated to report it out of concern for Jinjin’s safety.

The psychiatrist turned out to be a kind, older woman who had very calmly explained that Jinjin was most likely suffering from anxiety that had gone unchecked and lead to overworking and everything subsequent. She had recommended weekly or bi-weekly therapist visits depending on what worked with their schedules as well as a prescription for medication. Once all of that had been sorted, it was merely a matter of signing the discharge papers and making sure Jinjin was ready to leave.

While their manager was handling the paperwork and prescription, it was surprisingly Minhyuk who insisted that he stay with Jinjin and help him get ready to leave. The younger rapper was helping Jinjin shrug into his jacket when Minhyuk carefully wrapped his arms around Jinjin’s stomach and buried his face in between Jinjin’s shoulder blades. Wordlessly, Jinjin settled his hands over Minhyuk’s and merely allowed his dongsaeng to take a moment. He was still struggling to understand why the others were so worried about him, but he tried to grasp the concept by remembering that the psychiatrist had said this doubt was most likely a product of his anxiety.

“I was so scared, hyung,” Minhyuk eventually spoke, voice muffled. “You just – just _fell_ into me and I didn’t know what had happened. I kept thinking that it was my fault, because I could tell something was bothering you for a few days before that. I kept thinking that if I had pushed you a little more to talk, or at least said something to the managers to get a break, maybe it wouldn’t have happened like this.”

“Minhyuk-ah,” Jinjin gently loosened the younger’s grip so he could twist around to face the dancer. “If I know anything for certain out of this whole mess, it’s that none of this is your fault. I’m still working on believing I deserve any of you helping me through this, but I’m grateful either way. You did what you thought was best at the time. Don’t dwell too much, okay?”

“That goes for you too, hyung,” Minhyuk sniffled, tucking himself closer to Jinjin’s chest. “I know it’s hard for you, but try not to dwell either. And talk to us more if you can. We love you, hyung.”

Feeling slightly choked up at the younger’s words, Jinjin could only managed a tiny nod against the side of Minhyuk’s head.

“I love you guys too,” he murmured.

* * *

Back at the dorm, their manager dropped them off and told them to order something unhealthy and rest. He had been able to clear their schedule for the next two days, saying they had plenty of time to reschedule practices and lessons without impacting their projected comeback date. Jinjin had tried to protest, knowing that they were doing it mostly because of him, but their manager was having none of it and simply told the rest of the members to take care of each other and Jinjin.

Myungjun and Moonbin had immediately taken charge of figuring out what to order the second they stepped into the dorm. Rocky and Eunwoo used that advantage to claim the first two shower slots, racing off to see who could get to the bathroom first, yelling the whole time. Shaking his head fondly, Jinjin sank down on the couch, hardly surprised when he found himself with a lapful of clingy Sanha just a moment later. The youth tucked his gangly limbs as comfortably as possible into Jinjin’s space and wrapped his arms around his hyung’s shoulders for good measure.

Reaching up to run his hand soothingly up and down Sanha’s back, Jinjin let his eyes close as he tipped his head back on the sofa cushions. The sounds of his members moving around so normally was a relief to Jinjin’s nerves, having been scared that things would be awkward and silent upon their return.

He should have known better. His members were stellar at normalcy, even if they were feeling awkward. Jinjin knew he would have to make sure they were all actually okay and said everything they needed to, but for now, he appreciated this moment.

“Hyung?” Sanha’s voice sounded like he was on the verge of falling asleep. Jinjin wondered – not for the first time since waking up – if his members had slept at all last night.

“What’s up, Sanha-ya?”

“I’m sorry. I know that…that part of this was my fault. I know I’m disrespectful and tease you and the other hyungs too much. I never wanted this to happen because of that, so I’m really, really—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jinjin sat up a little, arms wrapping firmly around Sanha as he did. “Slow down there, baby. I never said this was your fault, or anyone’s fault. It was a little bit of everything that just became too much, and either way, I’m not looking to place blame, okay?”

Whining a little, Jinjin thought Sanha would protest his claims, but the youngest ended up settling again, content against Jinjin’s shoulder. Holding his maknae firmly, Jinjin let out a little sigh, knowing that despite his seemingly content state, Sanha would work hard in the weeks to come to make sure that he was more respectful yet still playful towards his hyungs.

It was just the kind of brilliantly wonderful person Sanha was.

* * *

“Well, you look comfortable,” Myungjun’s voice called softly from the kitchen doorway. Jinjin looked up at his hyung and then back down to the sleeping pile of Sanha that was currently occupying his lap. After their short conversation, the maknae had apparently decided to fall asleep.

Not that Jinjin was complaining. He had been dozing a little too.

Eunwoo and Moonbin had just left the dorm to go pick up whatever food Myungjun and Moonbin had decided to order. Eunwoo had apparently beaten Minhyuk to the shower, since he had left the dorm with slightly damp hair tucked messily into a beanie. If they listened quietly, the soft hiss of the shower could be heard down the hall as Minhyuk took his turn.

“Hey, I wanted to apologize,” Myungjun continued in a soft tone, sliding into the space between the arm of the couch and Jinjin. Their thighs pressed together comfortably and Sanha shifted slightly in his sleep before settling again.

“For what, hyung?”

“For hitting you. I was scared, and you were panicking and you weren’t responding to anything we were saying. It’s not an excuse, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”

“I was never upset with you about that, hyung,” Jinjin reassured the elder quietly. “But let’s not make a habit out of it, okay?”

The gentle teasing brought a little smile to Myungjun’s lips, and he shoved Jinjin’s shoulder carefully with his own. Sanha grumbled a little at the movement but didn’t wake.

“Hyung,” Jinjin called, eyes trained on Sanha’s sleeping face. “When I first woke up, and tried to apologize, you seemed to know that I was going to say sorry for interrupting our schedules and passing out.”

“How did I know?” Myungjun cut in, staring down at his lap. “You aren’t the first person I’ve worked with at this company who has anxiety. A friend of mine from trainee days was always trying to apologize for his breakdowns, for scaring us. I never wanted him to feel like he had to apologize for something he couldn’t control, but I did try to get him to understand that it was bad whenever he tried to hide it.

“We said this already, but we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on. Anything out of your control like an anxiety attack or those intrusive thoughts you mentioned, you don’t have to apologize for that. But hiding things from us and working yourself to the bone instead of telling us something was wrong or asking for a break…that’s the kind of stuff that ends up with you in the hospital.”

“Hyung…” Jinjin murmured, finally drawing his gaze away from Sanha’s sleeping face toward Myungjun.

“I know it’s going to take time to get used to,” Myungjun looked up to give Jinjin a little smile. “But we’ll always be here for you, Jinjin-ah.”

“Thank you,” Jinjin knew he sounded choked up. “I’m sorry for not trusting you guys. It was just…hard when everything in my head was telling me you were all against me.”

“That’s okay,” Myungjun was quick to reassure him. “We’ll work on it, and we’ll be here for you.”

* * *

“Hyung?” Eunwoo’s voice was so quiet that Jinjin almost missed it. But he twisted around from his position at the sink and found the younger standing in the doorway to the kitchen, one hand clinging to the opposite elbow in a self-conscious position. Setting aside the last plate he had been washing, Jinjin dried his hands and gestured for Eunwoo to move further into the kitchen.

Jinjin had insisted on washing the dishes they had used for the fried chicken they had for dinner. The others tried to protest, saying that since he had been in the hospital earlier he should rest, but Jinjin had been full of restless energy for some weird reason, so he managed to convince the others to shower and get ready for bed. It wasn’t a taxing task, he had promised. He could manage this much.

“What is it?” Despite being the center of everyone else’s concern, Jinjin was still worried about his hard-working dongsaeng. Eunwoo’s eyes looked red and he looked like he had dropped a few pounds again. His schedule was the craziest out of all of them, and Jinjin would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised that their manager had even managed to completely clear Eunwoo’s schedule for the next two days so they could all stay together.

“I just…I really missed you, hyung,” Eunwoo continued speaking softly. “It was only one night, but I didn’t realize how much I rely on you to keep me steady sometimes. I just wanted you to know that.”

Jinjin could only stare at Eunwoo, a little shocked by the sudden confession. It wasn’t that Jinjin was unaware of the fact that he was helpful to the younger, but hearing it so plainly out of the blue left Jinjin a little speechless.

“Do you want to share my bed tonight, Dongmin-ah?” Jinjin managed to ask gently. He figured that not sleeping last night – Jinjin had finally gotten them all to confess during dinner that they hadn’t slept, only fueling his argument that he should wash the dishes while they went to bed – on top of the schedules they had been maintaining before all of this was taking its toll on Eunwoo. Sometimes the younger just needed a good cuddle buddy to really get a solid night of sleep, and Jinjin was more than happy to offer himself up as said buddy.

Eunwoo almost looked like he was going to turn Jinjin down, probably thinking that Jinjin would be pushing himself if he did. But then Eunwoo’s shoulders sagged and he nodded silently, eyes trained on the floor.

Smiling fondly, Jinjin walked over to Eunwoo and gently tipped the younger’s chin up so that his gaze met Jinjin’s. Tugging Eunwoo down gently so that he could wrap Eunwoo’s shoulders in a hug, Jinjin ran his fingers through the singer’s hair before letting his fingers gently work the tension out of the back of Eunwoo’s neck. Melting into Jinjin’s hold, Eunwoo wrapped his arms around Jinjin and gave a soft, sleepy sigh.

“Go get changed for bed and I’ll be in soon. I just need to finish washing this plate.”

“Okay, hyung,” Eunwoo mumbled, sounding halfway to sleep already.

True to his word, Jinjin slipped under his blankets five minutes later and wrapped his arms around Eunwoo, tucking the younger’s head comfortably under his chin. Sighing contentedly, Eunwoo’s own arms wrapped around Jinjin’s waist and they were asleep within minutes.

* * *

There was no reason to feel this way.

At least, that’s what Jinjin was trying to convince himself of as he sat on the couch in their practice studio. The others were around the company building somewhere. They had been held up in dance practice for the majority of the morning, but now they were all off doing their own things to prepare for the comeback in a couple months. Jinjin was supposed to be working on the choreography, going through some parts that were giving him some trouble before he had to record later that day.

Nothing had gone wrong. Their two days off after Jinjin’s breakdown had been peaceful, full of napping and cuddling and catching up on dramas they hadn’t been able to watch. The two weeks after that until now had proceeded as normal with their group practicing and preparing as needed.

But for some reason, being alone in the practice room started unearthing all of the feelings Jinjin had been working to manage. He had been able to visit a therapist nearby twice a week, and even though he had barely had half a dozen appointments so far, it had already been helping Jinjin manage things.

Today, though, Jinjin was wallowing. He was alone for now, and his chest was starting to feel hollow as he started spiraling. He wondered briefly why his medication wasn’t doing more to prevent this feeling, but it could only do so much. Maybe Jinjin was too far gone for the medicine to really do anything. Maybe he had guilt tripped his members into feeling bad for him so that was why they were treating him so nicely. Maybe it was just an act to keep the group together, but then why didn’t they just replace him? Wouldn’t that have just been easier than dealing with all of this bullshit he was throwing at them? Maybe –

“Hyung?”

Jinjin looked up, finding Moonbin standing just inside the practice room door, looking overly concerned. He approached Jinjin slowly, and it was only now that he was aware again, that Jinjin could hear his own shallow breathing echoing in the otherwise quiet room. 

“B-Binnie,” Jinjin managed. “Sorry, I—”

Moonbin shook his head, moving a little more quickly to sit down beside Jinjin. He placed a hesitant hand on his hyung’s knee and gave it a careful squeeze. Finding the touch grounding, Jinjin felt some of the tension bleed from his muscles as he sank back into the sofa.

“You don’t have to apologize, hyung,” Moonbin’s voice was quiet as he settled beside Jinjin. “Just tell me what’s going through your head, if you’re okay with that.”

Jinjin shook his head a little, his breaths settling with the calm that Moonbin brought with him.

“Just…stupid stuff.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s making you feel like this, hyung.”

“I – I was just thinking like…what if I’m just making you all feel guilty with this? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to replace me instead of dealing with all of this?”

“Because we care about you.” The answer was automatic, given without hesitation and it startled Jinjin into looking over at Moonbin. His dongsaeng was looking right at him, looking entirely serious.

“I get that you’re still trying to understand that hyung, but we really care about you. I was worried when everything happened, because I felt like I didn’t do enough. Like maybe if I had noticed sooner or been there for you the way you’re always there for us, you wouldn’t have felt so alone.”

“Bin-ah…” Jinjin murmured, reaching out to place his hand over where Moonbin’s was still settled on his knee. “You’ve done more than enough to help me, all of you had. But I just…feel like I’m holding you all back and dragging you down with me.”

“You aren’t hyung,” Moonbin promised fervently. “If anything, you lift all of us up and make us better.”

“Thanks, Binnie-ah,” Jinjin managed around the lump of emotion that had crawled into his throat. He really couldn’t believe that he had such wonderful people around him that weren’t repelled by all of this. He knew that there were less understanding people, and less forgiving companies out there, but he was blessed with good fortunes in both aspects. Things could have gone south very, very quickly for Jinjin if he hadn’t been so lucky. But things were relatively normal, despite the new therapist and the increased awareness of Jinjin’s mental state from the other members. But he figured he could work with this new normal rather than be derailed from this life entirely.

“Now, c’mon hyung!” Moonbin suddenly pushed up from the couch, walking over towards the sound system with his phone out. “I know you’re supposed to be practicing our new dance, and Rocky-ah didn’t go easy on us this time. So let’s start going over it!”

“Bin-ah,” Jinjin groaned playfully. “I’m tired, I don’t wanna. We spent all morning practicing.”

Oh, yeah. As long as he had his members with him, this was a normal Jinjin wouldn’t mind getting used to.


End file.
